Nut Job

I am depressed. There you have it. I wrote about depression in my book, although the depression I felt then was much more severe than what I feel these days. I had to be hospitalised for that time period and ever since then I have an actual phobia of depression. Because I know how bad it can get. I'm not even close to that feeling, but I still fear it. I feel a twang of it and it frightens me.
For me depression doesn't have a specific reason. It just comes over me. Most of the time I can shake it. For example, there has only been three times in my life I can look back on and say I was definitely depressed. The other thousand times, I could walk it off and soon I would feel better.
This is how I spend my day. I wake up in the morning and I feel like my heart is completely broken. Why? I have no idea. It's just a sadness the minute I open my eyes. It fades when I drink my coffee with my french vanilla creamer and smoke. This activity actually creates a beautiful warm feeling. But then the sadness comes back, over and over through out the day. The sound of my voice makes me queasy. The way I look makes me queasy. Any task, even the small ones make me feel overwhelmed. It's a huge task to have to put on regular clothes. I sleep most of the day away and when I'm not sleeping, I'm sitting on the couch watching the Housewives. Any region Housewives. From one coast to the other, groups of pretty women with wigs and nails and tans, ALWAYS with a glass of wine in their hands. I know I don't own the market in sadness or problems, but these ladies, sweet baby Jesus. Their problems are so random and insane. They start each episode with a beautiful woman in a great dress saying things like, "New York is my playground and if you don't want a piece of me, get out of my sandbox." Or, "In New Jersey, I am the queen of my castle. Diamonds are my lover. Don't hate." They are all living in houses that 'Bravo' built.
I just published my first book. So all of this is so confusing to me. Shouldn't I be walking around feeling really accomplished? Every single review has been amazing. But because of how I'm feeling, reviewers use words that make me feel like a fraud. Like 'inspiring' or 'courageous' or 'strong'. What? I have to spend three hours to convince myself to eat a piece of toast. Sometimes, I can't even bring my self to go through the energy involved in making toast. I eat a piece of bread. Then I lay back down on the couch in my pajamas.
I find myself looking off in to space for long periods of time. Just thinking about it all. And also, thinking about nothing.
I knew something was off when I got a giant life size poster. OF ME. And while I liked it, I don't feel I felt more than like. People that know me, know that one thing that would make me feel really high on me is a god damn life size poster OF ME!! I looked at it and while it was really hot, I didn't feel connected to it. It had so many of the 'words'. Inspiring, brave, all those words that make me wonder who the hell they're talking about. I would have felt better if it said, "Meet the author! She's medicated!"
Typically when I'm feeling low I can go walk around the bookstore. My book isn't in there as I haven't sold 45 million copies yet. So I find myself walking around and look at how many situations vampires can get themselves in to. It's un- fucking real. Huge area's committed to vampires and their high jinks. I think Stephanie Meyer is at this second writing, "Dale, the office vampire comes around the corner to find Patty, the vampire from sales...." Or the god damn Harry Potter corporation. Isn't Harry Potter about 30 by now? Then are we going to devote an entire section to the Potter offspring? The Peter Potter series. Fuck man. I don't need an entire section. One god damn book and you can put it anywhere. Then I leave the book store more pissed off than when I went in.
That's another side effect of depression. The short fuse symptom. These are the things that can make a depressed person snap. People talking. People walking slow. People breathing, in and out. People who tell long stories. People who walk or talk or bend or spin.
I know it will pass and very soon I will inspire the shit out of someone. But I will say this. No matter how shitty I am feeling, I do try to smile at people even when I'm not feeling it. I say hello. I tell them their children are cute, even when the children are not in any way cute. I say thank you. I let cars merge.
Tomorrow is another day. I have my creamer waiting for me. I have to stalk people on Facebook and pretend that I am really pumped up about me. One thing I don't seem to loose during a depression is my skill to bullshit. Thank you God. If I'm still bullshitting, I'm still in the game:)