48

48. The year I was 48, I experienced the greatest growth and inner turmoil because of it. Something happened. I have always been a sort of roll with it kind of person. If you said something I didn’t agree with, I just smiled and nodded. If you said or did something that hurt me personally, I still smiled and nodded. Then, almost as if it happened overnight, I began saying things like, “What did you just say?” Then, well, you know how that goes. I started to draw thick lines in the sand. Because of the 47 years of biting my tongue, if you crossed that line, I responded not only to the current offense, but everything you have ever said or done that pissed me off. You know, getting it all out. Sometimes if I was really pissed I would blame you for things that other people had said to me. I could blame you for the economy, the war, and hungry children.
I had stood my ground with people before I turned 48. But it was always with people that didn’t matter, like, bosses, or people I knew for ten minutes. I never dug my feet in with people that mattered. I always chose to remain silent so my life could be quiet and the most important part, so people would like me. Especially family members. A family member could say the most outrageous, hurtful thing and I would smile and nod. Because god forbid they decide they didn’t like me. By my silence I have agreed with things about my character and personality that were so insanely wrong but I suppose I didn’t feel I was good enough to fight for.
I think that many of us get a title when we are young and it sticks with us until we draw that line in the sand. I was the stupid, ninth grade drop out, alcoholic, drug addict, bad mom, I could go on. The thing is that I do have seconds, sometimes days, of all of those things that used to accurately describe me. But it’s not how I live my life. I had to really think about whether the people around me were giving me the above description, or was I giving it to myself? Was I hanging on to the me that I was 30 years ago? Did people not see me this way at all and I was projecting it on to them? What I found is that it was a bit of both. They hung on to some things and so did I. But I had to be the one to fix my brain and in doing that the people around me would see me as the person I have become as oppose to the person I used to be.
I have pissed some people off. I have set up boundaries in my world which is something I have never done before. Some people didn’t believe in the new me and they thought my boundaries were dumb. They rolled their eyes and took a step anyway, knowing how I feel, then the new me began to spin like a top. And when I say spin like a top what I mean is that the idea that I was being ignored, as I have already been ignored for 47 years, would push me so far over the edge that I would scream until my face and right arm were numb.
See, it’s easy when people know your boundaries. They say, “Oh, well, she’s really weird about that so just don’t do it.” But getting the boundaries set up when you’ve been smiling and nodding for 47 years is a big angry project. With some people it doesn’t come natural. When you say to a person, “I’d rather you not come in my house because you completely fuck up my vibe.” It doesn’t go over as well as you would think.
At some point toward the end of that year, my boundaries and feelings started getting the respect they deserved. Thank you sweet Jesus. Big changes at my house and it is a beautiful thing. My house and my heart are quiet and nice. The people I have in my life today are the people I want in my life. With some people, I have taken a time out. I needed to put them on the back burner and that also gives them time to be away from me. With these people it’s not a permanent thing. It’s a time out for them to get used to my new great personality. I believe they will come around.
There are other people who, well, fuck them. They have never shown any indication that they are doing what we all do everyday and that is to grow, and change, and do better and become the people that god brought us here to be. They are fine with being total fucking douche bags for the rest of their lives. And the most insane thing is that they want YOU to adapt to THEM. They say, “Well, this is the way I am.” Really? You mean that every person on the planet works their ass off every single day to be a better person and you want me to accept that you have been the exact same toxic, insane person for 25 years? Can these people at least try? Just try? I am wrong everyday. I make horrible choices all the time. All I expect from any person is that they TRY. Walk toward better. That’s all. My life is short. I’m old. I can’t waste energy and time on the ‘this is the way I am’ people. Plus it just pisses me off. Why can’t I say, “This is the way I am.” Because I’m not 4.
My husband has been the most affected by the new me. He routinely says, “Oh, Jesus, not another boundary.” Last week I set a boundary where I said that there will be no more drinking the orange juice out of the container and putting it back in the refrigerator. We aren’t apes. Put it in a glass. Some boundaries are more important than others.
So it was a year of amazing growth and my new personality is pretty awesome. It was a spiritual, mental, and emotional explosion. It reminds me of that scene in The Color Purple when Oprah Winfrey ‘wakes up’ at the dinner table and begins to laugh and says, “I am back.” That’s me. Oprah Winfrey, with the one eye swollen shut. I am back. I wonder if in that scene, she was 48.