There is a place, in a person with chronic depression, that I can only call 'nothing'. Everyday, in depression, you take a step further, and further from the world. From your family, your life, everything. Everyday another step toward the end of the earth. Your view of your life becomes grey and interactions with others create a numbness. We all have a chance at living as long as one of our life sustaining sources are in tact, even if only by a thread. Our heart, mind, spirit, soul, if at least one of these things is still dangling by a string, we have a chance.
But as we step, another step, out of our lives, we get to the place where we step off the edge of the earth. That doesn't mean the point where a person takes their life. But that's when a person COULD easily take their life.
A step off the edge of the earth is a feeling of relief. Because when you take that step, there is nothing. No sadness, no feeling, no thought, no pain, just, nothingness.
Standing in that place, while everyone else is still on solid ground, there is no meaning, or memory of a time when you were a participant in it. It's just you. And nothing.
When people say things like, "You have so much!" Or, "So many people love you!" When you are not connected, even to your self, you see their lips moving and all you think is, "Letters, that make words, that make a sentence...." It's numbing. Yellow and purple and the rain and the sun, are all one thing blended together to create grey.
Even if I only say the words, 'I am worth fighting for' and I don't really believe that, it is something instead of nothing. Even if I am only hanging by that fragile thread, it's something. I still feel separate, but I can still see land from where I am. I feel too tired to take that step back, but I'm going to take that step no matter how heavy my legs feel. I pray for all of us, people who are broken in half. I know it seems impossible, but we have to fight, that's the only way to escape nothingness.
I want to WANT, something.