Friday, January 8, 2010

Big scary monster

It’s not always peaches and herb in ‘living your dreams’ land. Today, I run from those childhood demons that we all have. Some demons are little and you can just kick them and they limp away. Other demons are giant and you have to run as fast as you can so they don’t get you.

Because if they do, who knows what will happen? Will they eat you? Will they cause such a disruption that you don’t get out of bed and you can’t function, much less take care of the people who need you?
So you run for your life. You run from a monster.
For me the demon is ‘everyone’s misery is your fault’. This demon has been nipping at my ass since I was nine and my grandmother told me that my father drank because ‘I was a difficult child to raise’. So, I looked around, saw the carnage from drunk dad, and thought, “I did this?” Of course I grew up and the concept was silly and I knew that I didn’t cause my fathers constant drinking. I was not that powerful.

But there is difference between knowing and really, really, knowing.
So I’ve spent my adult life trying to move in the direction that the people around me want me to move so they will approve of me. I need them to like me and think I’m fun. Because if I walk off the line of what they have in mind I will make them unhappy and the demon will show up and swallow me. And if god forbid something horrible happens in their life, it would be because of me stepping off that line, and if I wouldn’t have stepped off the line, everything would be okay. Like, if I had gotten a ‘C’ instead of a ‘D’, my dad wouldn’t have gotten drunk and spent all the grocery money.

So here we are. I’m going to be a writer. I’m going to live my dreams. BUT, if things go badly, it will be me that will carry the ‘whatever’. Financial problems, medical problems, problems buying the cheese, whatever. This is why it is not a light decision to ‘live your dream’. Oprah makes it sound easy. But it’s not.
My making this decision feeds the demons. It creates that voice in my head that says, ‘If you do this, some people won’t agree. It will make some people unhappy.’ For me that’s like inviting the demon to climb all the way up my ass.
The demon is so scary and consuming for me that I have to keep it at bay so it won’t kill me. It’s a common thing for people to use alcohol or drugs or pie to keep the monster at a distance. The thing that is detrimental to you is at the exact same time your salvation. And the bad things blend into the walls and everything is okay.
Tuesday is dooms day. Go back to work, or do not go back to work. My childhood demon has me by the throat telling me that I shouldn't dare upset anyone. For me it’s very real. I know sitting here right now that I am not going back to work. I know I’m going to really piss a few people off. But for the first time in my life, EVER, I am digging my feet in and I am not going to sacrifice myself to make people smile.
So to my scary demon and those people who don‘t approve, fuck off. To get me to halt my living my dream mission, you will have to eat me mother fucker. I’m a writer.
(PS… I used the term ‘mother fucker’ in my last two writings. I love saying it and I love how it looks on the page. BUT, I don't know how I feel about having this cute baby so close to the foul language. Don't look up baby!)

1 comment:

medammit said...

From the day you fed me cheese and ketchup sandwiches, made me kiss your little brother, and put me to bed wayyy before my bedtime, I knew that you were cool. I love your blogs. I will keep reading and learning from you. Thanks Dina, and don't worry, I murmer "fuck wad" under my breath pretty often during the day, always within close proximity to something as cute as that baby. They don't care. The gene pool has been depleted and their ears have been de-sensitized to such filth. Keep writing! Follow those dreams (my dreams too) and I'll live vicariously through you.