Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Pudding... from my book Everything I Never Wanted To Be

If someone said to you, if you use drugs you will loose your family, your job, all your money and your dignity but your legs will feel like pudding. Do you have any idea how many people would choose the pudding? Most of the people I know.
To a normal person this isn't even something to think about. But with addicts, we could go back and forth for hours. 'My family'. 'Pudding'. Hum. What do I do here. Our minds become consumed with figuring it out. At the end of the day, there we are. With legs that feel like pudding.

I know my brain is wired for pudding so I have to focus on everything I do or I'll end up behind a dumpster. For me it could happen so easily. I would go see my pharmacist 'Julio' at his office that is actually located on a sidewalk downtown. I'd try using some small talk with him, "Hi Julio. And how's your family?" Julio would just get angry, "I said give me the money, I'll give you the pills, then you walk away. Don't fucking talk to me." What happened to good 'customer service'?.
Drug addiction is only funny if your a drug addict or alcoholic. It's like if your a particular race, you can talk about and say funny things about that race. Addicts and alcoholics can make fun of each other as long as you're in recovery. I have a friend who said to one of my family members, "Hey! I hardly recognised you without the ski mask!" This family member got the idea one night, legs like pudding, he went to the grocery store, got a bottle of expensive vodka, put a ski mask on and ran out.
God knows I'm not one to talk about bad behavior. When the kids were small I woke up one morning and found that my car was gone. You know, this is typical for alcoholics, you call friends and try and find your car. So I call a friend and she says that I gave my car away at a house party. What? She said I went out to the glove box of my car and came in with the title and signed it away to some stranger. I said that I would never do that. She said she tried to stop me but I told her the guy was real sweet and he was having trouble getting back and forth to school. Apparently it was more important that the stranger got to school than it was for me to care for my two small daughters as a single mom.

I eventually got my car back but do you know how I got to that place of giving my car away at a house party? One thought. 'My family'. 'Pudding'. All the chaos and bullshit in the entire world begins with people who have legs that feel like pudding.