Thursday, July 2, 2009

Dale and Misty

Celebrity breakups are always announced the same way. 'So and so are divorcing but they still care deeply for one another and have enormous respect for each other'.
White trash breakups usually end with hostages and hunting rifles.
Divorcing is an expensive venture. Even for poor people. By the time a poor couple decides to divorce, somw shit is going to burn down. The relationship has to get so bad that the in the end one of the two are going to jail.
A couple of years ago I heard a story about a woman that had told her husband she wanted a divorce. So he put sedatives in her tea and tried to put her lifeless body through a wood chipper. A FUCKING WOOD CHIPPER! How pissed off could you be to want to put someone in a WOOD CHIPPER! Apparently she woke up because of the noise of the wood chipper and rolled off the belt and escaped. Here's the fantastic part of the story. They reconciled. They worked it out. Are you kidding with me?
Okay. He had an affair. He doesn't keep a job. He wears women clothes on occasion. All of these events you can somehow talk yourself into thinking, okay, well, I guess I can let it go. But try to put me through a wood chipper?
And what happened when this woman staggered through the front door and hubby realised she didn't actually go through the wood chipper? I see a cop car parked on the dirt in front of the trailer with a bullhorn yelling, "Dale! Come on out of there with your hands up! Common Dale! Let Misty and the babies go!"
Dale screams out of the window, "I ain't comin' out until Misty says she loves me!"
Misty screams, "I ain't gonna say it Dale! You trying to put me through that wood chipper was the last straw!"
"I said I was sorry, Misty! Ain't you never made a mistake!"
"I never put you in a fucking wood chipper Dale!"

So they work things out. Ten years later at a family event Dale says to Misty, "Hey baby! Remember when we went to Disneyland and you wet your pants on Space mountain!" The family erupts in laughter. "That was hysterical! Or what about the time we were in church and you decided to take the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior and you start walking up and you trip and fell in the isle! Man, I've never laughed so hard!" Misty says, "What about that time you drugged me and put me in a wood chipper?" They all die laughing as Misty continues, "I'm there on that conveyor belt like, hey! Where am I! Holy crap! Dale's tryin' to put me in a wood chipper!"
But things are bad for Dale and Misty. Misty is continually bringing up the past. The wood chipper. Every argument Misty brings up the wood chipper. Dale rolls his eyes, "Why do you always have to throw the wood chipper in my face?"
"It could be because, you put me in a FUCKING WOOD CHIPPER DALE!"
I don't have accurate information as to the end of this story. I don't know if Dale and Misty are still married. But if they divorced, I'm sure they didn't tell family that they care deeply for one another and still respect each other.
I can only wish for a great ending. That Misty eventually said, "Dale. I put sixteen Xanax in the Budweiser you just drank. There's a grain elevator with your name on it."
It's not what happened I don't think. But it would be a tight, put a bow on it sort of ending to a breakup story that started with a girl and a wood chipper.